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What follows is my review of X-Men: The Last Stand. It’s chock full of spoilers, so do not read on if you don’t want to be spoiled about the movie.

My Previous Thoughts

Let’s start it off: I didn’t think the first X-Men movie was all that great. Nothing really made it spectacular for me. But I loved X-Men 2. One of the best superhero movies yet; They got very creative with the use of Mutant powers and developed so many of the characters and storyline that I was sure they had arcs that could carry on for at least three more movies.

I also used to be a big reader of comic books, but the fact that these recent superhero movies mess with the canon does not bother me. After what they successfully did with Spider-Man, the X-Men franchinse, and Batman, I am not bothered at all by changes that are made and take them as they come. So keep in mind that I am approaching these movies from a cinematic standpoint and not a “omg that’s not how it is in the comics” standpoint.

The Review

X-Men 3: The Last Stand was bad. Bad like I’d prefer I hadn’t seen it and just gone back to the second X-Men and imagined the sequels myself. It felt like this movie was made just for the sake of making a movie and generating some money, and not because they had an interesting story to tell.

I tried really hard to turn off my brain and enjoy the movie. I really did. Like Tim said, there were promises of huge mutant fights, and mutants using their powers against each other is always good.

The Lame Fights

But what do we get instead? Let’s see. A mutant that can run incredibly fast fighting against Storm, master of the weather. And what do we see? Super fast girl running around and slapping Storm around like a doll, and Storm has no defense against this. We’ll jump to the end of the movie again, where they face off once again. This time Storm nails Super fast girl with a clothesline. Boo yah!

A few scenes later we see Storm throwing Super fast girl against a chain link fence, and then zapping and killing her with lightning. That was some tense mutant action. If you hadn’t noticed, those scenes required weeks of choreography and training.

And then we get the fight everyone has been anticipating: Iceman vs. Pyro. But wait, since I’m a writer, I shall demonstrate my writing prowress and present this in script format:

Pyro: Simma’ down, boy
Iceman: Cool off, hothead
Pyro shoots flames at Iceman
Iceman shoots beam of ice at Pyro
Their powers meet in middle and a battle of their mutant strength ensues!
Pyro’s fire gains advantage
Pyro: You’re weak!
Iceman turns himself into solid ice
Iceman knocks out Pyro
Iceman: But I am strong! Ha ha!

Thank you, and yes Hollywood, I’m available for hire.

Admittedly, Iceman turning himself into solid ice was pretty darned cool, except the CGI effects were just so poorly done in this movie. The budget must have been slashed way down from the second movie, which boggles the mind considering how well-received the second X-Men movie was. Perhaps the incredibly talented director Brett Ratner took a large chunk of that budget?

Take for instance the scene of Magneto destroying the convoy of escort cars and a truck to rescue Mystique. At first Magneto crushes a car and chucks it aside, and I’m quite giddy at this point just to see Magneto exude such awesome power, except the effect looks ridiculously cheap. He does it again, and this crushed car looks even faker than the last one. I would say this needs to be seen to understood, but I wouldn’t want anyone to waste their money just to see this.

Going back to the fights, everything in the movie was uncreative. The final “battle” consisted of what appeared to be at least a hundred mutants against the six mutants of the X-Men. Six. Against a hundred. There must be some frantic mutant action about to happen.

It played out with Wolverine slashing. And Beast pommeling. And Colossus colossusing. They were quite the unstoppable team. I hear Brett Ratner asked Jackie Chan to help with the choreography in some of these scenes, but Jackie Chan refused to work without a comic foil to his straightman Hong Kong cop.

Where was the creative use of mutant powers? Magneto stood in the back and threw cars that Pyro then lit on fire. Alright, that’s cool, getting a little better now. But then he keeps doing this for at least five minutes. To kill six mutants. Six. How about mixin’ it up a bit there, buddy?

The Resurrection of Jean Grey

We all knew Jean Grey, aka Phoenix, was coming back. Anyone familiar with the Phoenix saga would have seen it coming from the end of X-Men 2, when the flames surround her as she concentrates harder than she’s ever concentrated before, just before she is swallowed by the water burying her in the lake. Although apparently in X-Men 3, everytime she uses her powers she instead gets blue veins all over her face instead. Blue veins are way more exciting than flames.

And how is she resurrected, you ask? I shall narrate that for you, my loyal reader: Scott cries in bedroom. Scott gets mad at Wolvie. Scott goes to lake and cries on rock. Scott shoots eye beams into water, and awakens Jean Grey / Phoenix. Scott makes out with previously dead girlfriend and dies. Die Scott, Die. Good Scott.

Well, supposedly he dies. Nobody’s sure because he isn’t important enough to even be granted an on-screen death. Oh yeah, and nobody in the movie gives a crap that he’s dead.

I got sidetracked there. I was supposed to talk about how Phoenix was resurrected. I believe her exact words to Scott (He’s Scott by the way, not “Cyclops”. Nobody in the movie ever calls him Cyclops. He’s just Scott.) when he asked were, “I don’t know.”

I shed a tear at this point in the movie. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I’m taking this writing thing far too seriously. Iowa, cancel my summer workshop this year. I’m writing movie scripts from now on.

Alright, so Professor X does give some reasoning behind her cocoon of mutant power that protected her, but it explained nothing about how Scottie shooting beams into the water would awaken her.

The Rest

Those are the major things I hated about this movie. In general it was just way rushed, and all of the characters felt like they were there just for the sake of being there. The actor who played the president in the movie was quite possibly the worst president I’ve ever seen in a movie.

I almost forgot about Angel. We see him overhearing the X-Men team getting together to stop Magneto, and we think he’s going to tag along and help out. But what does he do instead? He swoops down at the last minute to save his father from falling to his death. And the audience applauds. I shed another tear, but only because I thought about Jean’s miraculous resurrection again.

The Verdict

There were some parts I liked. Like the chase sequence between Juggernaut and Shadowcat. Hands down the best part of the movie. Prince’s cameo as the first gay mutant with the shockwave power was nice. Good to see him get some work. Oh, and the bit with the woman locking the car door. Funny.

In the end, X-Men 3 had no sense of story. The first two movies threw around so much subtlety and characterization and plots that were left to be finished in a future movie, and here comes X-Men 3 to just try and forget all of that and instead have a huge mutant battle that ultimately disappointed.

What kicks the movie over from just bad to horrible though is the fact that at the end, Magneto apparently still has his powers, and Xavier is still alive. I don’t know about everyone else, but I just feel cheated by all these last-minute reveals. It’s like nothing in the movie really happened. This isn’t the lame comic book we’re dealing with here. If they’re dead then leave them dead.

Even with my brain completely turned off, X-Men 3 was not a fun movie. Perhaps I’ve gotten harsher on movies as of late and become some kind of movie elitist. Well good-riddance. Make better movies, Hollywood.

My hopes are up for Superman, and that says a lot coming from someone who sees Superman as a pansy-boy next to the dark and conflicted Batman. Bryan Singer, please tell Superman to travel back in time and make you direct X-men 3.