pres.umptuo.us

aprilmayjun3: man i hate lunch meetings
aprilmayjun3: i just want to get out of the office
aprilmayjun3: i love jelly beans tho =)

minutes later…

aprilmayjun3: omg my stomach hurts
aprilmayjun3: i shouldn’t have eaten those jelly beans

lovex321: hi cuz
lovex321: r u still at work
valloq: um
valloq: it’s 11am
valloq: most people are still at work
lovex321: LOL
lovex321: i dunno
valloq: you ask weird questions
valloq: you’ve really never had a job, huh?
lovex321: =(

Don’t ask questions. Just worship.

Bluemooniac: Eric is just too awesome
Bluemooniac: Lena is too powerless against him
Bluemooniac: the all-mighty Eric
Bluemooniac: hail Eric

Something is terribly, terribly wrong with our college admissions system.

IllItsau d: suggestment
IllItsau d: thats a word, right?
valloq: suggestion?
IllItsau d: oh
IllItsau d: hahahahaha
IllItsau d: there you go
valloq: lol
valloq: omg
valloq: lol
valloq: hi yale
IllItsau d: i was like why is microsoft word saying im spelling it wrong
IllItsau d: it sounds right!
IllItsau d: hahaha

valloq: did you trade in for the DS Lite yet?
derosamerak: ya
valloq: how’s it compare?
derosamerak: i want to grease up the DS lite and fuck it

I was recommending to my friend Laser (not the American Gladiator) to check out Serenity:

wtocs: does it have Storm in it? cause if it does I’ll totally watch it
wtocs: “oh no fog!!”
wtocs: “storm, can you do something about it?”
wtocs: as she looks into the sky
wtocs: GOOOOOOO STORM
valloq: lol!
valloq: man that was the first thing I thought
valloq: when they were on the lake
valloq: I was like, man storm, clear it out already
valloq: so lazy gotta wait for wolvie to ask you
wtocs: no kidding - what kind of super hero makes people ask her to use her powers?
valloq: that’s messed up
wtocs: I’ll tell you what kind, the overpaid stupid actress kind
valloq: lol!

Banking

A nice feature of Washington Mutual’s online banking is how it will scan in deposited checks just to jog your memory of, “Oh yeah, that’s what that check was for.”

Of course, what’s even better is seeing what I put in the “for” field for the checks I write to my parents as part of my living expenses:

I’m waiting for the day when the Feds call me up about this.

Fed: Sir, we’re calling about this check you wrote for…hookers.
Me: Yeah?
Fed: Well, you wrote a check for…hookers?
Me: Her credit card machine was broken.
Fed: *Long pause* Oh.
Me: Yeah.

Chatting

Another nice, although seemingly worthless feature (to me at least) is Gmail chat’s ability to go “off the record” and not keep a log of a current chat conversation. This is the only real use of it I’ve found:

aadarab: i think its near mathematically impossible for me to fail out, but i don’t want to take property again
aadarab: that shit sucked
me: time for us to rob a bank
me: oh wait
You are now off the record
me: time for us to rob a bank
aadarab: hahahahaha
me: I love that feature

Mr. Bayati is convinced that going off the record actually forwards the conversation directly to the CIA.

Asking For it

I left the Thai Restaurant with a big brown paper takeout bag with a “Thai Dishes” menu stapled to the side, and realized that since it’s noon on a weekday and I’m dressed in a t-shirt and jeans that anyone who saw me probably figured I was delivering Thai Food. I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to feel about that. I guess I do fit the part, though.

I Heart Commas

MyBodyIs4Sale: you want to watch inside man?
valloq: what are we watching inside, man?
MyBodyIs4Sale: actually i think you already saw it
valloq: lol
valloq: I guess you didn’t get my pun

Next to that age old question we all ask ourselves at one point or another in our lives, “How did those AT-ATs get down to the surface of the ice planet Hoth in The Empire Strikes Back,” another, maybe more important, question arises:

Is Mace Windu dead?

Continue reading “Mace is Dead”

Unicorns are awesome. I got some great reactions.

LocustSky462: …
LocustSky462: the more i look at this, the funnier it gets
LocustSky462: i just sent this to someone
LocustSky462: why do i picture you as the dude?
LocustSky462: would have been funnier if the unicorns carried his on their back
LocustSky462: wtf.. i’m spending too much time looking at this

Doughy637: what did you search for?
Doughy637: gay unicorn?
valloq: um
valloq: no

I’ve been on a roll lately…

MyBodyIs4Sale: common, chuck e cheese birthdays are always cool
MyBodyIs4Sale: and by common i mean come on
MyBodyIs4Sale: i need to stop doing that
valloq: it’s a come on mistake
MyBodyIs4Sale: i hate you
MyBodyIs4Sale: so much

When he says, “I hate you,” he means “I love you,” and when he says, “so much,” he really means, “so much.”

Conversations with myself are fun, although the people around me tend to think differently.

valloq: mannn this drink has a twist-off cap and I think I jammed it
valloq: =(
valloq: oh wait
valloq: persistence solved it
valloq: muahahah

kkkrispyk: my laptops making fan noises
valloq: like, “kristen, we love you!” “You’re #1!” “KM 4 LIFE!”

I feel my wittiness slowly coming back to me.

Low points in the life of Eric Lim:

valloq: dude, is your itunes library shared?
jorgejuxt: um…..usually….I closed my pbook
jorgejuxt: I’ll re-open it
valloq: aw, turn it back on
valloq: I wanna listen to my humps
jorgejuxt: lol
jorgejuxt: k

It’s such a bad song but I wanna listen to it…

He was waiting for me to go to lunch.

MyBodyIs4Sale: i still need to shower
MyBodyIs4Sale: how long are we talking?
MyBodyIs4Sale: if i am not answering when you leave, i am in the shower so just come over
MyBodyIs4Sale: and feel free to walk in
MyBodyIs4Sale: no one is home
MyBodyIs4Sale: man, i am so hot for perfect dark 0
valloq: that was the weirdest string of lines ever
valloq: I’m gonna be showering
valloq: just walk in
valloq: no one is home
valloq: I am so hot for perfect dark 0
valloq: why don’t you ask me to fuck you in the ass in the shower while we’re at it

Greg’s the first person I know to have an iPod nano experience. Conversation follows:

calkidd32: well first of all
calkidd32: you HAVE to go w/ black
calkidd32: i mean the white one was cool too
calkidd32: but the black one was the shit
valloq: lol
calkidd32: dude it was me and like 3 other guys just looking at it
calkidd32: i mean literally just staring
valloq: hahaha
calkidd32: ’til one of the guys picked it up and was like “SHIT! it doesn’t weigh anything!”
calkidd32: and he passed it around as if it was a joint
valloq: hahahahaha
valloq: LOL

calkidd32: i know for sure that each of those 3 guys was getting one
calkidd32: it was so funny
valloq: yeah man…everyone I know is getting one
calkidd32: one of the guys i guess goes to either NYU or Columbia
calkidd32: and he was like “dude my mom would kill me if she knew how i was spending my loan money”
calkidd32: and we all busted up
valloq: hahaha
valloq: that’s so funny how you guys are all just standing there talking about it
valloq: nano: bringing people together
valloq: to ogle
calkidd32: dude i’m not even sure they knew each other
valloq: yeah that’s my point
calkidd32: i think maybe 2 of them knew each other
calkidd32: yeah it was crazy
calkidd32: and the store was packed
calkidd32: like i went straight to the nano
calkidd32: and there were other ones being displayed
calkidd32: so it was like multiple groups of oglers
valloq: hahaha
calkidd32: i was gonna be like “dude how much is the floor model?”

Alien 1: The Claw is our master.

Alien 2: It decides who goes and who stays.

I’m addicted to the Claw machine. Well, the ones that let you win, at least. A lot of them are scams — fixed so that it’s near impossible to win. The claw comes down over the prize, closes shut, but then as it rises the blue elephant I had my eyes on slips right between the holes. Some of the claws don’t seem to have enough strength in their grip, while some are just way too large for the tiny prizes in the machine, and others won’t go all the way down into the sea of toys waiting to be won.

Continue reading “Twenty Three”

I sent Ms. Byun an e-mail. This was her reply.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
okay.

i’ll ask her when i see her next.

thanksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooo
much.

Then I decided to be a smartass, and thus replied without using the ‘h’, ’s’, or ‘o’ keys.

P , y u didn’t even remember. ee wh ‘ her real friend n w.

T i me age i mi ing c aracter becau e y u u ed t em up in t e la t e-mail.
(This message is missing characters because you used them up in the last e-mail.)

As one can guess, she called me shortly after to inquire as to Gmail’s newfound character limit and to ask me how Gmail calculates it. There were many long pauses in the phone conversation. I asked her to reply to my e-mail to make it formal.

really? gmail knows how many letters i use up? how do they kno that?
how many am i allowed to use???

I keep friends like these around to make me feel smart.

Taking things out of context is awesome.

Lig00d0nenH: i was like “do you have to use ALL your fingers?”
Lig00d0nenH: and he was like… “tacos are hard to eat”
Lig00d0nenH: hahahhahah

MyBodyIs4Sale: stop trying to make me feel bad
valloq: lol
valloq: I think that’s the raddest thing you’ve ever said to me
valloq: That’s good enough to actually turn into the new title of my website