pres.umptuo.us

Brad has posted up an excellent entry containing nothing but quotes of himself saying dumb things, warranting the coveted “…” awards. Of course 95% of the conversations are with me, but I swear he’s the one who talks to me. I have no choice!

Here’s a collection of similar conversations on my site:

• Metric System
• Wei?
• Doing The Vassar
• Revelations
• Smartass
• Cheonaise
• Mohr Or Less?
• Twists

Doughy637: do you remember how big my chest was?
Doughy637: 38-39″?
valloq: that’s gotta be the gayest question ever asked from one guy to another that you wish a girl asked you

My Powerbook (I’ll explain my choice in a later post) may or may not have arrived today.

valloq: so at 7:20am it says “out for delivery”
valloq: and at 4:41pm it says “delivery”
valloq: wtf does that mean
calkidd32: wow
valloq: what is “delivery”
calkidd32: it means it’s there foo!
valloq: shouldn’t it say “delivered”?
valloq: stupid tenses
calkidd32: haha
calkidd32: only a writer would have issues with UPS confirmation pages
calkidd32: lol

valloq: a hur!
calkidd32: a hur?
valloq: a hur
valloq: it’s the sound a retard makes
valloq: A hur!
calkidd32: a;lijae;oijeo;aije
calkidd32: lol
valloq: hahahah
calkidd32: i feel like a retard now cuz i didn’t get it
calkidd32: ass

This shall go down as the official “…” award of the month.

IPOWER IBOOK G4: those dvds i bought
IPOWER IBOOK G4: not dual layer
IPOWER IBOOK G4: they are double sided
IPOWER IBOOK G4: should i still buy them?

Doughy637: he got it from here
Doughy637: http://www.fatwallet.com/t/18/463182/
Doughy637: i would like to point out the text that says “NOT DUAL LAYER”

IPOWER IBOOK G4: lol
IPOWER IBOOK G4: i saw dual layer

strjules: it’s only a 2star hotel
strjules: hmmmmm…..
strjules: that’s the hotel that i wanted to live at
strjules: or was looking at
valloq: I bet they’re some b-movie stars too
valloq: like corey feldman and the dad from different strokes
strjules: i gave it to you earlier
strjules: i’m not talking to you anymore

Greg gets props for this:

why I’m going to miss Pope John Paul II

Greg’s going to hell for this:

calkidd32: love you
valloq: What?
valloq: bitch
valloq: was that meant for your fuckin’ bumbo again?
calkidd32: lol
calkidd32: yes
calkidd32: ;alijeo;aisejo;aisej
calkidd32: hahaha
valloq: okay fool
valloq: you are not allowed to do that anymore
calkidd32: i sent her “get the powerbook!”
valloq: LOL
calkidd32: lmao
valloq: ROFL
valloq: dude
valloq: I’m fucking cracking up here
valloq: ROFLMAO
calkidd32: hahaha
calkidd32: she was like “WTF”
valloq: this is so going on my blog

How many 5-year-olds could you take on at once? This is quite possibly one of the best questions ever. At first I was only thinking three, but I think I overestimate the power of 5-year-olds and I’m imagining 10-year-olds instead. Here’s some insight:

calkidd32: man i’ve worked with kindergartners this past year
calkidd32: 15 easy
calkidd32: very few of them have great hand coordinatioon
calkidd32: a simple push would send them down
calkidd32: then you attack
calkidd32: i’m gonna ask all my counseling friends

MyBodyIs4Sale: i think the best idea is to knock one out
MyBodyIs4Sale: then swing them around by their feet
MyBodyIs4Sale: and you really must protect the testicles
MyBodyIs4Sale: if you had a cup, i think you could take down quite a few more

LocustSky462: maybe not 30, but i’d start with 15
LocustSky462: i figured i could just pick one up and swing them around to knock the others out

valloq: I was thinking
valloq: punk the first few
valloq: and then take their shoes off and tie ‘em up and swing it around like a nunchuck

I’m a small guy and not too strong either, but I think I could take 10 or so.

Nooner.

Julie: She was like, two millifeet in front of him.
Me: …millifeet.
Me: …

This has been edited for privacy reasons. It’s still funny though.

friend: yesterday i helped the guy I’m seeing work on his backyard
friend: my back is SOOOOOOO SORE
friend: i pulled weeds, shoveled dirt and built a brick wall
valloq: wow
valloq: I’m gonna make you my girlfriend when I need some construction work done
friend: hahhaa
valloq: I mean, I knew that you girls were used for sex and making me look good
valloq: but yard work
valloq: holy shit
friend: LOL
valloq: this puts a whole other angle on this
friend: you are terrible
valloq: you’re like, prostitutes, maids, and now dayworkers all rolled into one

MyBodyIs4Sale: i wanted to say it so bad
MyBodyIs4Sale: but man
MyBodyIs4Sale: i would get reemed
MyBodyIs4Sale: like a xerox
valloq: …

MyBodyIs4Sale: oh dude, do you have yazoo - don’t go
MyBodyIs4Sale: i remember this song
valloq: nope
MyBodyIs4Sale: its super ghey
MyBodyIs4Sale: you would totally know it
valloq: wtf does that mean
MyBodyIs4Sale: its like the most famous beat evar
valloq: “it’s super gay. You would totally know it”
MyBodyIs4Sale: lololo
valloq: bitch
MyBodyIs4Sale: i didnt even realize that
MyBodyIs4Sale: lolo
valloq: ah huh
MyBodyIs4Sale: i am really lololol
valloq: yeah, you go lolo

valloq: have you visited central park to take a gander at “The Gates” exhibit?
calkidd32: yeah
calkidd32: pretty awesome
valloq: how is it?
valloq: sweet
calkidd32: my dell should be coming in tomorrow
valloq: uh ohhhh
calkidd32: i’ll send some pics
calkidd32: when i get it
valloq: lol
valloq: wait
valloq: pics of the dell
calkidd32: i’m gonna crash
valloq: or pics of the gates
calkidd32: lol
calkidd32: gates

Words I’ve found inspiring as of late.

We talked into the night. The kind of talk that seemed important until you discover girls.
Stand By Me

There are on many campuses, moreover, local papers, weeklies or monthlies, that publish short stories but cannot pay for them. What the heck, practicing an art isn’t a way to earn money. It’s a way to make one’s soul grow.
Kurt Vonnegut

jenn: did his mom really pick his name to be eric
jenn: b/c its an anagram of rice?
jenn: that is pretty goddamn clever of her if she did

Doughy637: you wanna do something tonight besides sex?

I like how I get an e-mail from Ghirardelli that says this:

Eric, Show how much you really care by surprising your sweetheart with Ghirardelli Chocolate. Choose any size of our Masterpiece Boxed Chocolates and receive (( 10% off* your purchase. ))

And I just say, “Hah, yeah right” and hit delete immediately.

woods K7: http://www.mrkaniff00.com/my%20car.jpg
woods K7: dude nathan looks like a foriegn exchange student wearing those clothes
valloq: lol!
valloq: and the bag
woods K7: ya
valloq: and his little folder
valloq: lol!

valloq: sup james
JazzManJJ: wassup
JazzManJJ: how is work?
JazzManJJ: what type of mattress do you ahve?
valloq: that is the strangest line of questioning I have ever had

woods K7: got firefire written test tomorrow
woods K7: so i have to drive to long beach inht morning
valloq: firefire written test?
valloq: make sure you write that out on the top
valloq: I want to be a firefire
woods K7: firefighter
valloq: I love firefires
valloq: i always wanted to be a firefire when I was a kid
woods K7: it’s an awesome job isn’t it…firefiring

Merry Christmas everyone, and a happy birthday wish to Andrea. I didn’t get a whole lot this year in the way of gifts (Not that I don’t appreciate what I did get), but I swear sometimes I get more excited about other people’s presents than my own. Like my cousin Audrey, who received an iPod.

IllItsaud: yay for ipAUD